Working Mom

For those mothers out there who work, or go to school (or are crazy like me, and do both), you know what I am about to write, before I even write it. I can sum most eveything I am feeling up in one, five letter word, G-U-I-L-T. However, it is more than just the guilt that I am missing out on important milestones in Cara's life. It is more than being at work the day that Cara had her first cold (instead of at home, snuggling with her). Or feeling bad that I am distracted, thinking about work or school, when I am with her. Or dragging her along with me on the many errands I must run. Or giving her baby food from a jar. Or using landfill diapers. Or my mom missing doctor's appointments because she has to take care of Cara. It is the sadness that she is growing up without me, or, on a good day, only half of me.

By the time I finish school, Cara will be 2 and 1/2, and I will not be able to devote to her, the time she needs, until then. That means, for her first 2 and 1/2 years of life, she will be shipped off, to Nana, Daddy, Aunt Terre, or anyone else that is available to help out, and not be with me.

So, this all stems from when I came home tonight, and the last few weeks, when I have come to see her. She doesn't do her usual squeal. She doesn't cry until I pick her up like she used to. Sure, she smiles, but I can tell, she is not as excited to see me as she used to be. It is sort of like when you first start dating someone. It is butterflies all the time. Then, as you get to know him or her, those feelings fade a little. However, as I was getting her ready for bed, Cephas came into her room, and do you know who got the squeal? Yes, it was him.

So, after she was all snuggled in bed, I came out and told Cephas, "I want to quit school." He asked why and I said, "Because Cara loves you more than me." I tell him about once a week that I want to quit school, and sometimes even more than that, that I want to quit work.

Here we are, Cara and Mama, in the sweater that Aunt Terre bought her. She needs something like that to keep her warm in these cold temperatures we have had. I should say, this was one of my resolutions, to take more pictures of me and her.

And here she is, the star

The weeks that I am working, a lot of times, the only time I see Cara is in the morning, when I get her dressed and ready to go to Nana's house. I took these this morning, to capture her first thing.

I just laugh when I see this one... I had just turned on the light

She found the pacifier and was wanting to go back to sleep

No, really, she was trying to go back to sleep

And this one, classic. She is saying, "Really mom, pictures first thing in the morning?"