Nine Days Ago

Cara turned ONE! Because I have chosen to be a busy mama, I did not have time or energy to get a blog post up before now. I am sure Cara will forgive me when she gets older.

It was that day, one year ago, that I had been in the hospital all night. The epidural was starting to "wear off" and I was beginning to feel contractions again. I had been throwing up, off and on, since the early morning. It had been several hours since the nurse told me, "it's getting close," in response to my vomiting. I had not been out of the bed since I was admitted, I was on magesium for pre-eclampsia. I had not had anything to eat or drink, and Terre and Cephas were cuddled on the couch, as they had been all night. The nurses shift had changed and I got a new nurse, who was not quite as nice as the one I had all night. The doctor came in around 8:30am and said they were going to go ahead and do a c-section. I felt diappointment, as I had really wanted to do this "naturally," but I was relieved at the same time to know it was going to be over with soon.

As they prepped me for surgery, I kept asking Cephas if he was disappointed, and he never gave me very much encouragement (not his strong suit). Terre though, she was telling me that I was doing great. I remember being nervous and excited all at the same time. They wheeled me into surgery and for the 10-20 minutes it took to get Cara out, I was nausous the whole time. Finally, I heard her cry and out of the corner of my eye, they had taken her over to be checked out by the NIC-U staff. I began to cry, knowing that this was real, she was here. Cephas brought her to me and I could only look at her. I am anxious for the doctor to finish closing me up so I could finally hold her.

They took Cara out of the OR and I told Cephas to follow her. I finally came out and got to hold her and nurse her for the first time. I was so tired, but finally had my baby girl in my arms. The love I felt for her that day is nothing like the love I feel for her now. It took me a while to fall "in love" with my baby, I had to feel confident first in knowing I could do it. I had to get to a point where I realized she was really mine. There are still times I feel like I am only babysitting, and she doesn't fully belong to me.

But I tell you, no one else could be more like me. Cara has my personality. Happy belated Birthday Baby Girl!